Romantic Love is a Scam: How ‘Love’ is weaponized to Trap and Control Women

paxinnyc
9 min readAug 15, 2024

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For the last 250 years, our understanding of love has been deeply influenced by the philosophy of Romanticism, an artistic and literary movement that emerged in the late 18th century, it was a radical shift in how love, nature, and the human experience were perceived. At its core, Romanticism introduced a particular vision of love, one characterized by intense emotion, individuality, and the belief in a mystical connection between soulmates. This philosophy has since permeated our culture, shaping the way we understand and experience romantic relationships .

Romanticism has been celebrated for its elevation of love to almost divine status, it has also been critiqued for the unrealistic expectations it places on relationships and the potential for manipulation inherent in its ideals. Here, I will explore the Romantic notion of soulmates, the intertwining of love and sex, the distinction between different types of love, and the role Romanticism plays in perpetuating patriarchal structures, and the fragility of Romantic love, its use as a psychological weapon against women, and the consequences of its overemphasis in our society.

Francesco Hayez’ Il Bacio

Romantic Notion of Soulmates

One of the most enduring legacies of Romanticism is the idea of the soulmate — a single, destined partner for each individual, found through mysterious, almost divine means. This concept suggests that there is one perfect person out there for everyone, and that meeting this person will result in an immediate and powerful connection. The notion of soulmates is deeply appealing, offering the promise of a love that transcends the mundane and connects two people at a spiritual level .

This idea is rooted in the Romantic belief in the preeminence of emotion and intuition over reason and logic. Romantics argued that true love could not be understood or explained by rational means; it was something felt deeply, often instantaneously. The soulmate, then, is seen as an almost otherworldly being, someone who completes the individual in a way that no one else can .

Then reality is that the concept of the soulmate also carries with it dangers. It implies that love is something that happens to us, rather than something we actively cultivate. It leads to unrealistic expectations, where individuals believe that their relationships should always be easy and harmonious, simply because they are “meant to be.” This often results in dissatisfaction and a sense of failure when the inevitable challenges of a relationship arise .

William-Adolphe Bouguereau’s ‘The Birth of Venus’

Romantic Ideals of Love and Connection

Romanticism also introduced the idea that love and sex are inseparable, and that a true, deep connection can be formed without the need for extensive knowledge or understanding of the other person. Romantics believed that love was an instinctual force, something that could be recognized and felt immediately, without the need for prolonged interaction or shared experiences . This ideal is perhaps most famously depicted in the literature of the time, where characters often fall in love at first sight, drawn together by an inexplicable force.

This belief in the inseparability of love and sex has had profound implications for how relationships are viewed and conducted. It suggests that physical attraction and emotional connection are one and the same, leading to the expectation that a fulfilling relationship must include both.

Contributing to the modern notion that romantic love is the highest form of love, one that encompasses both emotional intimacy and sexual desire .

This romantic ideal is also very problematic. By equating love with sexual attraction, Romanticism has contributed to the pressure many people feel to maintain a certain level of physical desire in their relationships. It leads to confusion and conflict when the initial passion of a relationship fades, leaving individuals to question whether they are still “in love” .

Types of Love

Throughout human history, different cultures have recognized a distinction between various types of love, including familial love, friendship, divine love, and romantic love. These different forms of love serve different purposes and fulfill different needs. On the other hand, Romanticism radically elevated romantic love above all others, positioning it as the most pure, magical, and important form of love .

This elevation of romantic love has had significant cultural consequences. It has led to the belief that romantic love should be the primary focus of our lives, overshadowing other forms of connection and fulfillment. Modern society often prioritizes romantic relationships over friendships or family bonds, and in the pressure many people feel to find a romantic partner in order to be seen as successful or complete .

The emphasis on romantic love also obscures the value of other types of love. For example, the love between friends or family members can be just as deep and meaningful as romantic love, and more often than not provide a more stable and lasting source of support. By focusing so heavily on romantic love, we may be neglecting these other important relationships, to our detriment .

Romantic Love as a Tool of Patriarchy

While Romanticism has been celebrated for its idealization of love, it has also been critiqued as a tool of patriarchy. Romantic love has been used to manipulate and control women, by convincing them that their primary goal in life should be to find a romantic partner. This idea is reinforced by media and societal messages that portray romantic love as the most magical and important form of love, and suggest that a woman’s worth is tied to her ability to attract and maintain a romantic relationship .

This emphasis on romantic love is weaponized to keep women in traditional roles that empirically do not benefit them nor their physical and mental health, financial health, or professional life. By focusing on finding and maintaining a romantic relationship, women may be more likely to stay in relationships where their partner is not fulfilling their expected roles as a provider, father, or husband. The idea of unwavering romantic love can cause women to sacrifice their own lives and goals in order to stay in these relationships, perpetuating the power dynamics that keep women in subordinate positions .

Caspar David Friedrich’s ‘Wanderer above the Sea of Fog’

In a world where women have no access to education nor professional opportunities — or where the illusion of lack of opportunities for women is present- Romantic Love serves as a way for men of lower socioeconomic status to compete with wealthier rivals for the attention of women. By presenting love as an intangible, deeply emotional connection that transcends material wealth, these men level the ‘playing field’. This approach allows them to appeal — not to actually deliver- to women’s desires for emotional connection and fulfillment, offering something that is not easily quantified or measured, and thereby gaining access to relationships that might otherwise be dominated by more materially affluent competitors.

The Fragility of Romantic Love

Romantic love is a “spell” that lovers attempt to cast over their partners — a tenuous and fragile spell that is broken at any time. Unlike other forms of love, which can be built and maintained over time, romantic love is an artificial construct, one that relies on constant reinforcement and idealization to survive .

This fragility is a direct result of the unrealistic expectations that Romanticism places on love and relationships. By promoting the idea that love should be effortless and perfect, Romanticism sets couples up for failure when the inevitable challenges and imperfections of life arise. When the “spell” of romantic love is broken, it leads to disillusionment and heartbreak, as individuals realize that their relationship does not live up to the idealized version they had imagined .

John Henry Fuseli’s The Nightmare

Romantic Love as a Psychological Weapon

Romantic love has also been used to draw individuals away from the real world and into a “little universe of two” where only the couple matters. This “hypnotic” spell is an attempt to isolate the love object from anything that could break the spell of romantic love, including friends, family, and societal responsibilities .

This aspect of romantic love is often used by those who cannot compete successfully in the real world — young, inexperienced, or low-status males who use romantic love to “hypnotize” their partners and lure them away from reality. By creating a fantasy world where the couple is all that matters, these individuals gain control over their partners and keep them from seeking fulfillment elsewhere .

This strategy is particularly effective in a society that places such a high value on romantic love. By convincing individuals that their relationship is the most important thing in their lives, and that they should be willing to sacrifice everything else for it, romantic love is often used to manipulate and control people, especially women, keeping them in relationships that are not healthy or fulfilling .

Romantic Love as a Tool of Social Control

The idea that romantic love is a tool of social control is not a new one. In fact, this critique has been voiced by various thinkers and writers throughout history. One of the most prominent critiques comes from Toni Morrison, who famously stated that “romantic love is the most destructive idea in the history of human thought” . According to this view, romantic love is a psychological weapon used to brainwash both women and men into believing that love is something external to themselves, distracting them from cultivating self-love and self-sufficiency .

By externalizing and outsourcing our social and emotional needs to another person, romantic love turns us into perfect consumers, constantly seeking fulfillment outside of ourselves. This is reinforced by the media, which conditions us from a young age to believe that our worth is tied to our ability to find and maintain a romantic relationship. As a result, we may neglect our own needs and desires in favor of the pursuit of an idealized version of love that is ultimately unattainable .

This critique is particularly relevant in the context of patriarchal societies, where romantic love has historically been used as a way to control women’s sexuality and fertility. By convincing women that their primary goal in life should be to find a romantic partner, and that their worth is tied to their ability to attract and maintain a relationship, romantic love has been used as a tool to keep women in traditional roles and limit their opportunities for self-fulfillment and independence .

Paul Delaroche’s The Execution of Lady Jane Grey

While Romanticism has played a significant role in shaping our understanding of love and relationships, it is important to critically examine the ways in which its ideals may be limiting or harming to us. By recognizing the fragility of romantic love, its potential for manipulation, and its role in perpetuating patriarchal structures, we can begin to challenge the unrealistic expectations that Romanticism has placed on us.

We can also work to cultivate other forms of love and connection, such as self-love, community love, and the love of friendship and family. By doing so, we create a more balanced and fulfilling approach to relationships, one that honors the complexity and diversity of human experience. Love is not something confined to a single ideal or definition. It is a multifaceted and evolving force, one that can enrich our lives in countless ways, as long as we are willing to embrace it in all its forms .

References:

  • Schor, Naomi. “Romanticism and the Vocation of the Soulmate.” MLN, vol. 99, no. 4, 1984, pp. 1104–1116.
  • Freccero, Carla. “The Historical Framework of Romantic Love.” History of the Human Sciences, vol. 17, no. 4, 2004, pp. 15–33.
  • Morrison, Toni. The Bluest Eye. Alfred A. Knopf, 1970.
  • Luhmann, Niklas. Love as Passion: The Codification of Intimacy. Stanford University Press, 1986.
  • Illouz, Eva. Consuming the Romantic Utopia: Love and the Cultural Contradictions of Capitalism. University of California Press, 1997.

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paxinnyc
paxinnyc

Written by paxinnyc

Stay awake, stay aware, and never forget that the only person who gets to define you is YOU.

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